Archive for June, 2012|Monthly archive page

Cameron’s Leveson Floor Show plan – not for circulation

10.30 Couple of one-liners, make a pun or two at the expense of aspiring backbench (backMensch? LotsOfLove) toadies. Warm up, ask the crowd where they’re from, hope it wasn’t somewhere where I destroyed SureStart or Remploy

11.00 Sing “I Will Survive”. Solo, A capella, ensure Mrs Cameron (my stage name for Sammy) is nearby in case change mind and want to do it accompanied by karaoke track loaded on to MP3 and docking unit.  I’m hip, me

11.15 Answer a question or two, respond to one or two with comedy Jamaican accent, mon.  Bound to get a laugh, especially if there are a few colonials in the crowd.

11.30  Check I haven’t gone bright purple as I do when rattled or lying or rattled, lying.  Try and deflect if I do – pretend I am a Geordie holidaymaker or something – why aye’ll have a bagga chips.  Mon.  That’s right, isn’t it?

11.45  Pretend chair is a wheelchair and have everyone laughing at my comic interpretations about how all those in wheelchairs can walk perfectly well, they’re just putting it on.  My Lazarus act, I call it.  I plan to put it to a wider audience at the opening of the Paralympics.  Successfully deflect from asking how many times I’ve seen Sideshow Bob nude

12.00  Chas and Bex to come in and sing “I Got You Babe” to each other, professing their love and making people think we don’t go in for fourway bondage.  Remember to sing it under my breath only and not put on those authentic slacks previously owned by Sonny Bono that I bought off eBay.  Must remember to tell B to not bring the Cher wig.  We are in this together.

After lunch

I’ll have had a grog or two so I’ll just do a few accents, lighten the atmosphere.  Likelies – Australian, Spanish (qué?), French shoulder shrugging, Eastern European, grubby northern accents from that high up county, what is it, Scott Land?  Save the German accent for when I meet Angela next – I haven’t borrowed the uniform from Aiden Burley yet.

Song list for the afternoon

Would I Lie To You? – Charles and Eddie

Smooth Criminal – Michael Jackson

Don’t Stop Me Now – Queen

The Last Waltz – Engelbert Humperdinck

Hang on, who put the last one in?  Doesn’t matter, they all love me and if they don’t, I’ll just make fun of their accents and their paper clothes and their health problems and that they’re poor… and

Goodnight Britain, there’s no more time!  I’ve got a supper appointment!

Advertisements

Related Contingencies

Those of you unaware what a related contingency is, stay with me.  This isn’t a sports/betting matter but you’ll see why it comes up.

England to win 1-0 – 9/1

Rooney to score the first goal – 9/1

Ignore the prices, basically if either lands, you return ten for your one.  However, what if you wanted to bet on England to win 1-0 with Rooney the scorer?  Well, you just multiply out the 10 by the ten and get…

Stop there.  At this point you have related contingencies.  For England to win 1-0, there is a factor that only one team will score, for example.  Rooney’s odds will include the impact of anyone on the pitch, including the opposition, being able to score.

The opposition can’t score if they’re “nil”.  You have to discount them in your two-event selection.  That’s a reduction on the grounds that the one event has a clear impact on the other.  That is what is termed, in betting parlance, as a related contingency.

Now, here’s seven factors.

a) no parent in work
b) poor quality housing,
c) no parent with qualifications,
d) mother with mental health problems
e) one parent with longstanding disability/illness
f) family has low income,
g) Family cannot afford some food/clothing items

D and E have huge scope for related contingency.  You can tie A, F and G together as a related contingency.  Given the disparity in UK society, there’s clear scope to tie all five together in a cycle of self-perpetuation that government seeks to address by making worse, not better.  Having not yet mentioned B and C, even then you can see the clear crossover in them and the five factors already listed that can be attributed on many occasions to the mistreatment of the sick, the disabled and the poor.

“The sick, the disabled and the poor” is of course dehumanising those three swathes of humanity into an amorphous one-word blob, language used to marginalise, depersonalise and ultimately, demonise.  However, in terms of efficiency, “The sick, the disabled and the poor” should be noted that society will use three words when that set of terms will frequently be one person.

Another related contingency.

Why this seven terms?  Well, if you have five, you’re one of Cameron’s “neighbours from hell”.  Yes, he said “the media” will say that but since the government is very publicly telling the media what to say, from the plinth in Downing Street to the clear suppression of news items on the NHS or on WorkFare slavery by the BBC, media and government are now one and the same.

Another related contingency.

Cameron’s edict is that the country is in the thrall of these offensively sick, disabled paupers.  Those who are too ill to work are apparently the criminal masterminds of the UK?  No, clearly not.  Cameron doesn’t believe that but this government has realised there is a massive lobby of disadvantaged people in this country and the sterling work of certain high-profile campaigners is waking this sleeping giant.  The physical confines of the home, the historical “cupboard under the stairs” has been reduced by the virtual world.  Conservatism now approaches fascism as it seeks where possible to limit elements such as social networks.  Liberty is fine as long as you don’t practise it.

I’d be worried were I government.  The voice of disadvantaged people who previously couldn’t be heard is now front, centre and asking questions.  It isn’t beholden to party politics, it isn’t going to go away and if you try to move it invariably the horror story will be revisited in a press that despite being tame, can’t avoid a groundswell of 12 million disabled people asking questions about one of their own.

It isn’t a fight they can win because they can’t fight dirty.  The blog posts in response to Cameron’s dirty bomb already show that.  And they’ll happen every time he tries to peddle his abominable agenda.

Because that’s a related contingency.